Relationships: Addiction to “being right”

 

Are you defending your need to be right, sabotaging your relationship?

Are you defending your need to be right, sabotaging your relationship?

 

“Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right” should be the mantra that every couples should hold throughout their relationship.  Ego has a core need to “be right” and will attempt to sabotage what is most meaningful to you just so that it can meet this need.  What do I mean by sabotage?

Think of all of the times that you have had a disagreement with your partner or loved ones…… and how far have you gone to defend your own point? I know I have caused massive fights with my own partner “to voice my needs in the relationship”. I’ve blamed him for my unhappiness, I’ve judged him for being inadequate, I’ve become extremely upset when he hasn’t seen my viewpoint…….and then I went on to resent him for being like he is.  When in actual fact, it was my insecurities and fears of feeling inadequate of meeting my own needs that I should’ve addressed.

For example, whenever he came home from work he use to make some comment about how I forgot to do something, or how I could do something differently – I would take these as criticisms that the way I did things wasn’t good enough. I resented him for these comments and use to go to great lengths to explain why I did the things I did to defend my position.  In the process I made him wrong and therefore we would end up having a huge fight over something as little as not opening the patio doors to let the air through the house.  Was it worth it? No! It would often cause us to not talk to each other – which caused tension in the house for days.

Look In The Mirror At Your Own Issue

I blamed my partner for making me feel useless. What I should’ve realized in these situations was:

1) No one can make you feel anything without your permission! I didn’t have to take these comments onboard as personal attacks, so why did I take these things personally when the comments were really just observations from his point of view.

2) To look in the mirror and see what was the real issue at stake here? It was my pride! I felt that I had to defend my position so I didn’t look stupid for not doing things the way he suggested. I felt he had to respect the way that I did things my own way……when in actual fact it there is no right or wrong way of doing anything – it is what it is.

It’s The Response That Counts

What I could’ve done was appreciate that he had a different way of looking at things and that perhaps his way would be a better way of doing it – afterall opening the patio doors does let the air flow throughout the house which is good energy, and it clears out the old cooking and dirty washing smells in the house.

All I needed to say was, “Thanks for sharing, I’ll take that onboard”, and the situation is completely disarmed and we can get on with have a good night relaxing and lovingly sharing about our day.

 

Trackbacks

  1. […] What partners do is – they view arguments and fights as a court of law where both parties bring their arguments and at the end of the fight – one of them wins and the other loses. Instead – look at what is the problem that is being shared. Then – bring your arguments as to what’s the problem, how is it showing up in the relationship and then – instead of trying to show how you are right and your partner is wrong – look at this problem as a growth opportunity. What is the opportunity in this argument? Put it this way – would you rather be happy or would you rather be right? […]

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