6 Secrets Why Your Ego Creates Misery #2

Ego needs “Safety and Security” (ie Certainty) AND “Variety and Adventure” (ie Uncertainty)

Both of these needs work together even though they seem like their opposites on the surface but really they are highly complementary of each other.

The main reason we do the things we do is that we have a perception that these things are going to make us feel better and/or happier. We’re never likely to enter into a relationship or environment where we don’t believe that it’s going to make us feel better.

But of course are we right when we choose to enter a course in our lives in order to make us happier and feel better?

No, of course not, because as we enter a job or a relationship that we believe that is going to make us feel happier and better but doesn’t turn out to be the way that we expected we become unhappy. (As happiness can only be found through internal means and not through external things.  If something external to us does make us happy – like the love of a new relationship, it’s only ever temporary).

So the Ego’s antidote to this unhappiness is to embrace or at least satisfy the need that is opposite to it.

In otherwords, if the relationship offered us absolute safety and security (ie. saturated in certainty) to the extent that the relationship became boring and predictable, then the Ego’s antidote to fix this is to create uncertainty or “variety and adventure”. And vice versa.

You will find that these needs can be fulfilled either resourcefully (with 100% personal responsibility) or unresourcefully (by playing the victim).

Fotolia_51071376_XS-300x199Karen and Steve had been married for 7 years with 2 young children.  Together they had a huge mortgage and so spending money to go out wasn’t an option.  Steve worked long hard days, so when he came home late his dinner would be in the oven, so he’d eat whilst watching the news, often falling asleep in front of the TV. Then he would be up the next morning to have breakfast and then he was gone again.  Meanwhile Karen would go to her part-time job whilst the kids were at school, and then after dinner she would hop onto Facebook to gossip and complain for hours on end. Steve had grown bored with the predictable routine of home and work. So Steve felt flattered and quite excited when a female colleague invited him out with some friends from work for a birthday drink.  This was a new adventure for Steve in his normal hum-drum life, as he found someone he could talk openly to about his disinterested wife and the lack of fun in his life. So one thing led to another and Steve ended up having an affair. Weeks later Karen found out about it on Facebook and was devastated. She packed Steve’s bags and threw him out of the house. Now their needs for both “safety and security” where dashed, and their need for “variety and adventure” had become a full scale life changing event as life had become more uncertain that ever.

Unresourceful – Victimhood approach to find Ego needs for “Variety & Adventure”

This scenario is all too common nowadays. This is an example where both Karen and Steve were looking for variety and adventure in unresourceful ways. Karen tuned in to other people’s lives to play the victim through gossip and complaint. And Steve played victim by blaming his wife for the lack of love and fun in his life.

So how could we turn this around so that both Karen and Steve could have met their needs for “variety and adventure” without sabotaging their need for “safety and security” in more resourceful (ie personally responsible) ways.  .

I must point out here that it only takes ONE to take action to save the marriage.

Resourceful – Responsible approach to find Ego needs for “Variety & Adventure”

Firstly, ask yourself:

1/ Who is responsible for my life?

2/ What do I want for my life?

3/ If I’m unhappy, what external things am I looking for to make myself (ie my Ego) happy? PS: happiness is a choice we make as an INTERNAL gift to ourselves each day.

4/ How can I fulfill this need in a way that meets ALL of the following:

a)      feels good to me

b)      is good for me

c)      is good for others

d)      is good for the greater Good

Some resourceful suggestions for Karen and Steve;

  • Take up a joint sport or physical activity that includes social interaction
  • Have “date nights” where you can do something special at home – using the good plates and cutlery, or a “date night” parked in a romantic spot in the car, or simply a candle-lit bath together (forget about the wobbly bits – we ALL have them)
  • Reciprocate babysitting duties with a neighbor to get some one-to-one time with each other
  • Budget so that work doesn’t consume so much time and energy (to be able to do other things)
  • Sell the house and get a home with a smaller mortgage.
  • Plan a holiday twice a year – even if it’s just for the weekend – just to get out of the same environment with the same routine
  • Move the furniture around – change the environment

Get creative………… So we could meet our core need for variety in a way that takes personal responsibility and is sustainable.

Sidenote: Ego is a part of us until such time we can escalate the power it has over us through self awareness and mindfulness. Therefore we need to work with it – but only in RESOURCEFUL ways so that we avoid bringing further pain and suffering into our lives.


RELATIONSHIP RESCUE MADE EASY: is an online course I will be bringing out to you soon.  Lt will assist you to train your Ego like an obedient pet, increase your self-awareness, eliminate your limiting beliefs and so, so much more………until you reach as close to Enlightenment and Bliss as you are prepared to go.


Warmest Regards



Diploma Life Coaching



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